Rant n' Rave With John Nagle

Photo credit: David Plastik

When I was a young lad of fourteen, Poison’s episode of Behind the Music was a cultural event on the level of Citizen Kane, Sgt. Pepper and that episode of Quincy where he visits the punk club.  To this day, I can recite that episode word for word.   Don’t believe me?

“They were loud, lusty and lucky, they were everything they ever wanted to be.”

“One time I ran out of eyeliner, so I used a Magic Marker.  That’s commitment!”

“It used to be the house of whores, and then it became the house of horrors.”

“Look at me, I’m boinking Pam!”

“We’ll get the shit on camera, that’s what we’ll do!”

“Personally, I think a tape of somebody fucking Pamela Lee….is pretty cool.”

There is no way that VH1 can top the beauty of that episode, but I know they are going to try.  So let’s watch it together shall we?  I’m one rock n’ roll dude with a loose partying mood AWHOOOOO!

Jim Forbes lets us know that Bret is rock’s leading ladies man, and true love has been elusive.  He sang to sold out stadiums in Poison, lots of debauchery.  The usual montage of Poison parties.  Now comes the heartbreak and the diabetes.  His lifestyle got out of control, had a major car accident and his Pamela Lee sex tape got out.  He went mainstream again with his reality show.  This is the story behind the music.

We start out at one of his current shows and the 40 year old women are losing their minds at the sight of his bandanna.  He kisses every one of the women, because you know, he’s a manwhore.  He admits it in the interview.  There are two loves in Bret’s life, love and his love of music.   Cut to him playing “Talk Dirty to Me” with his solo band, which is still the best hair metal song ever written.

Bret was born in Mechanicsburg PA in 1963, he liked growing up in a small town.  Bret’s dad said he was a good kid.  He was diagnosed with diabetes at age six, and was in the hospital for three weeks.  Did it hold Bret back? Of course not!  He started playing guitar and met Rikki Rockett.  He got in the band because had his own PA.  They played covers for a few years and then the band, known as Paris, decided to move to LA.  The usual montage about how fucking awesome it was on the strip and how the men looked like chicks.  Bret lets us know that it was all real.  Tommy Lee’s sister says they were the most positive group ever.  They changed their name to Poison and began to look the part.  Lots of cool pictures that I haven’t seen.  Bret says he slept with all the girls that the big bands didn’t want.  They are really playing up the male slut angle.

But then there was love.  He met Tracy Lewis and fell in love for the first time…but that didn’t stop him from fucking every woman with a pulse.

Hey! it’s the usual stories about Strip bands papering telephone poles.  I haven’t heard that one before.  Nope. New.  It was hard, and Bret almost cried…but it was still worth it!

Commercial Thoughts: Um, where’s Bobby Dall?  Where’s Chloe?  Where’s Bobby from RATT?  I’ve heard the stories a million times before, but at least VH1 is using a lot of rare photos and footage.

So Poison is playing the strip, and it’s hard.  Not everyone has the same drive, and guitarist Matt Smith left the band.  They auditioned several guitarists including Slash, and ultimately chose CC DeVille.  They are playing “#1 Bad Boy,” nice.  CC talks, but it’s archival footage from the original BTM.  It’s not the Burt Bacharach line.  Damn.   By the fall of 85, they were the hottest band on the strip and signed with Enigma Records.  Look What the Cat Dragged In came out in August of 1986.   HOLY SHIT! FOOTAGE FROM THE FLOYD THAXTON SHOW! Some journalist says Look What the Cat Dragged kicked ass.  I agree.  They make a video for “Talk Dirty to Me.”  Rikki Rachman says that no other strip band was making videos.  Really? I’m pretty sure Motley, RATT, Dokken and Stryper were.  The video blows up and they are rock stars.  Lots of awesome footage.  We get the loose partying mood clip, their first appearance on MTV, the “I Want Action” Video.  In the interview that gave us the loose partying mood remark, Rikki says that the best place for a woman is in the hotel room.  Fucking a.  Bret notes that partying was his biggest downfall.  You think?

So Bret collapses in Madison Square Garden and goes public with his diabetes.  Even worse, he loses his relationship with Tracy.  Why?  Well, have you seen the “I Want Action” video?  Christ, here’s the landromat story.  He calls Tracy while waiting for his clothes to dry and hears another man’s voice in the background.  Tracy disagrees.  He writes “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn.”  He had no intention of it being a hit, it was just his pain man.  It was released in 1988 and became THE ULTIMATE 80s ANTHEM OF HEARTBREAK!  The song’s success was bittersweet for both of them, because everyone was peeking in on their problems.  Bret says the rose was his career taking off, the thorn was losing his relationship.  Take that Blood on the Tracks!

Commercial Thoughts: I know all these stories, but VH1 is pulling out some killer footage.  I mean, THE FLOYD THAXTON SHOW!!!!!!!!!!  THEIR VERY FIRST APPEARANCE ON MTV! RIKKI SAYING A WOMAN’S PLACE IS IN THE HOTEL ROOM!!!!!   Awesome.  Oh yeah, before you guys call Rikki a mysoginist, that clip was from 1987.

So Poison’s second album was a multi-platinum smash and included “Nothing But a Good Time.”  Bret took it to heart every night.  Bret does shots and cocaine every night.  CC was the worst addict in the band.  CC talks about drugs filling the void.  Bret says they got seperate tour busses.  CC and Bret were fighting and publically imploded at the VMas.  Whoa.  I forgot they began with the vocal part of “Let it Play.”   CC had no idea what he was doing that night.  Gotta give Bret credit, he was totally professional.  Bret says they should’t have done it.  They walk offstage and get into a fistfight.  It was the last time they spoke for years.

Bret’s acoholism got really bad, Rikki warned him about it.  Bret calls it a dark period of awesome parties…OK.  So he goes out and crashes his Ferarri into a pole.  He broke his ribs, lost teeth, the whole thing.   It’s weird when you find your teeth on the  dashboard, he says.   I’d say so.

Commercial Thoughts: Bobby Dall is missing in action.  I should mention that Riki Valentine makes his return appearance, and he looks pretty much the same.

The mid-90s were not the best time for Bret.  The doctors told him to find a balance between partying and resting.  Meanwhile, the mainstream turned its back on Poison and Capitol rejected Crack a Smile.  Poison disappears.  Bret resents people talking about him like he’s a product.  He is NOT a can of soda, damn it!  He tried being a filmmaker and songwriter.  His sex tape with Pamela Anderson got more play than any of his other movies did.   Riki Rachtman says that he didn’t sell the sex tape like a lot of other rock stars did.  Subtle Riki.  Poison reunited in 1999 and it was a huge success.    They play that exact show to this day.  Bret also started a solo career.  Bret says he likes doing solo albums because he makes them on his terms.  Things were going well creatively, but alas, he still hadn’t found love.

Commercial Thoughts: The sex tape segment isn’t the same without Bobby.

So in 2007, he had his legacy.  He was asked to do Rock of Love, because he has so much charisma.  Bret says he dosen’t want to be a characture of who he was in 86.  Jude explains the rules.   Bret has a foursome!  Good for him.  The girls say that he’s a really nice guy.  They are absolutely right.  Bret often plays straight man to the girls.    Riki Rachtman has the line of the show:  “Bret has the fine line between being a complete dirtbag slut and a really nice guy.”  YES!  Rachtman = the new Bobby Dall.  Bret says he loses passion easily.   It revitalized his career and he became a pop culture icon again!  Bret’s third solo album is his highest charting record.  Bret does that thing where he pouts so you can look into his deep blue eyes.

Commercial Thoughts: Rachtman’s quote was amazing. And dude, a foursome?!  Fourteen year old John would be giving you a standing ovation.  Unfortunately fourteen year old John can’t stand.

Bret hit the road earlier this year, a superstar once again, but romantic love is still elusive.  I want to repeat: He had a foursome.    However, he does have one love in his life,  fatherhood.  We get footage of Raine’s  birth and he’s crying.  That’s really cool.    Bret still loves rock n’ roll though man.  It’s in his blood and stuff.  The journalist chick says that if Bret had a business card, it would say “Bret Michaels: Rock Star.  I think that sums it up.

Overall Thoughts: The first few segments were great because of all the vintage footage.  I’ve seen a lot of it before, but it had been ages.  Still, it didn’t feel as complete or as quotable.  Rachtman’s quote at the end was absolutely classic, but the original had at least ten amazing quotes.  No new interviews from CC, and Bobby was MIA.  Still, it accomplished it’s purpose.  I think I’m going to listen to Look What the Cat Dragged In now, because it’s been too long.

I’m still in a loose partying mood.