Rant n' Rave With John Nagle

Every year millions of Americans gather around their television sets to watch a big ball drop in the middle of Times Square.   30 years ago New Year’s Eve became decidedly more “rockin’,” when America’s oldest teenager and beloved institution, Dick Clark started broadcasting live.   He added a new element to the New Year’s festivities by featuring the hottest bands of the previous year.   Clark was at the top of his game in the mid-70′s, and the formula of man-on-the street interviews and Blondie singing “Heart of Glass,” went over like Gangbusters.

As the years went on however, Clark’s show became more out of touch.  Facing stiff competition from upstarts MTV, his show seemed increasingly out of touch.  When Clark suffered a debilitating stroke in 2004, it seemed like the beginning of the end.  However, the show soldiered on with new host, Ryan Seacrest filling in the major hosting duties.  It may seem increasingly old hat and corny, but Clark’s New Year’s Eve is an American tradition, which is why I will be covering it, moment by moment.  Enjoy!

The show has a slightly new name this year: Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve Hosted by Ryan Seacrest

Your hosts are Dick Clark, Ryan Seacrest and Fergie (Why God? Why?)

We open with Ryan Seacrest in the middle of Times Square with New York City Mayor, Michael Bloomberg.  They give the usual generic comments about New York being in the center of the universe.  Cut to Dick Clark in the studio.

Dick is still having trouble talking.  He gives the usual generic speech about having cameras everywhere.

Cut to Fergie, who is in Hollywood.  It’s going to be a long night.

Back to Ryan who introduces the Kiss Cam, sponsored by Scope!  Two people are forced to kiss on national television.

Commercial Thoughts: It’s cold in New York, just in case you didn’t know.  Dick actually looks better this year then he did last year, but it’s still sad to see him in his current state.

Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey wish us a happy new year.  Kelly Pickler informs us that the Jonas Brothers are going to form in a minute. A bunch of middle aged women scream for no reason.

Cut to Dick, who talks about how huge the Jonas Brothers are.

Back to Ryan, who introduces The Jonas Brothers.

And here are The Jonas Brothers, performing “Burning Up.”  Ironically, it’s really really cold.  I crack myself up.  Anyway, the crowd seems kinda listless, but it’s probably due to the chill.  The boys do decently I suppose, but the rap part is unbelievably dumb.  Now they go into a song that I’ve never heard before, probably because I’m not an 11 year old girl.  Lots of crowd-shots.  Somebody has been handing out giant blue Dr. Seuss hats.    The camera cuts to a girl with a signed Tiger Beat magazine, and she is totally stoked.  You know, the Jonas Brothers aren’t bad for what they are.  At least they play their own instruments.  They wish us a happy new year and we go back to Ryan, who says that they really heated things up.  Its 19 degrees in New York right now.  I’m really happy I’m inside.

Commercial Thoughts: The Little Mermaid Trilogy goes back into the vault on January 30! Get them now!  I love how Disney turns DVD purchases into a matter of life or death.

Paris Hilton and her dead eyes wish us a Happy New Year.

Back to Dick, who tells us that his employees have been handing out balloons and party favors all day.

Kelly Pickler talks to people from Minnesota, Jersey and Tennessee.  One of them is engaged WHOOOOO!

Back to Ryan, who informs us that the ball is 20 percent more energy efficient!  My life in enriched with that piece of information.

Commercial Thoughts: Footage of Miley Cyrus’ Sweet 16.  As usual, Billy Ray is right there, riding those coattails.

Alicia Keys wishes us an inspiring new year.

Ryan is with the Jonas Brothers, Demi Levato, Lionel Richie and Taylor Swift.  One of these people doesn’t belong.

Back to Dick, who talks about how the ball will be displayed all year long.

Ryan continues talking about the ball.  The crowd is ready yadda yadda yadda.

Back to Kelly Pickler, talking to some dude who is going to be a dad, and a newlywed couple.

“Imagine” is playing in the background.

President Clinton starts the ball.  The ball begins to drop and everyone looks pretty stoked.  Dick rambles about how it is the best party ever.  Fifteen seconds away.

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HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!

Confetti, hugging, “Auld Lang Syne”.  The usual people celebrating, you’ve seen it all before.  Nothing particularly exciting.  Taylor Swift says that being in Times Square on New Year’s is life-changing.  Sure.

Kelly Pickler says that it’s ABSOLUTELY AMAZING! AND SHE CAN’T BELIEVE SHE’S HERE OMG!!!!

Ryan gives us more of the same spiel.

Overhead shot of Times Square as Sinatra sings “New York, New York”

Dick gives us the same speech about having a party for about the 50th time tonight.

Commercial Thoughts: Will somebody explain to me who Kelly Pickler is?

The new season of The Batchelor starts on Monday, and he’s a single dad!  Awww!

Akon wishes us a Happy New Year.  Yay.

Dick tells us the party has just begun.  Ryan finally joins Dick in the studio and they talk about various weather conditions.  They hug, and it’s adorable.

Back to Kelly Pickler who tells us it’s cold.  She interviews some veterans, who wish their families a happy new year.  It’s time to go to Hollywood, where Ne-Yo is going to perform.

Ne-Yo is a smooth smooth smooth motherfucker.  The dude certainly knows how to wear a suit.  He performs “Come Closer,” as a crowd half-heartedly dances behind him.  The Hollywood segments always remind me of Club MTV because they seem so artificial, probably because they are taped.  His backup dancers look fantastic.

And here comes everyone’s favorite meth addict, Fergie. The same generic speech we’ve gotten about 5,000 times this evening.

Back to Times Square.  Seacrest claims that this New Years is one of the best times ever in the history of mankind.  We get a montage of New Year’s celebrations around the world.

Kelly Pickler tells us that P. Diddy provided the whole city with debit cards so everyone could get home safely.  Why? Because Diddy is King.

Back to Ryan, who provides us with more inane chatter before cutting back to Hollywood.

Commercial Thoughts: Do I have to watch Fergie?

Annie Lennox wishes us a Happy New Year for no apparent reason.

And we go to Hollywood, for a performance from The Pussycat Dolls.  I think they might be the most generic pop group in the history of music.  I suppose this song is a female empowerment song, because all of these bands are feminists, despite the fact that they dress like porn stars.  Wasn’t the lead singer in another pre-fabricated group?  Eden’s Crush I think?  Not even vinyl hotpants can make this tolerable.

Back to Seacrest who introduces Jesse McCartney

Is there anything more annoying than a white boy calling his girlfriend a shorty?   I must admit, he’s wearing a cool suit.  Other than that, typical middle of the road white boy R&B.  McCartney obviously wants to be Justin Timberlake, but isn’t charismatic enough.

Commercial Thoughts: I hate the new Pepsi logo.

Fergie introduces Natasha Beddingfield.

Hey it’s another generic song about female empowerment! Beddingfield’s lyrical imagery is incredible.  I mean, the pocket full of sunshine lyric has never been used in song before.  Sticks and stones aren’t going to break her bones.  Wow.  So original, I’m inspired to like, do something.

Back to Seacrest who lets us know there are 285 restaurants in Times Square.

Robin Thicke performs.  Jesse McCartney wishes he could be Robin Thicke.  I actually buy him as a soul man.  He’s got the proverbial flava.  He’s got a full brass section too, which is pretty awesome.  The whole thing is crippled by the audience.  It’s almost like they have a huge sign in front of them that says “DANCE!”  Oh wait, they do.

Commercial Thoughts: How much longer is this thing?

Back to Seacrest who has finally let Kelly Pickler into the studio, who lets us know that she kept warm by layering up.

Back to Hollywood, where Fall Out Boy is performing “I Don’t Care,” which pretty much describes the audience.  The crowd noise has definitely been sweetened.  Wentz looks like he’d rather be at home thinking up stupid baby names.

Fergie introduces Solange

OK, is Solange trying to be Adam Ant or something?  What’s with the yellow line over her eyes? I wish Adam Ant were here.  “Goody Two Shoes” would sound pretty awesome right now.

Commercial Thoughts: I haven’t seen Dick in a while; he must have gone to bed.

ANOTHER Jesse McCartney performance….and this time he has dance moves!  Fergie reminds us that he wrote “Bleeding Love” for Leona Lewis.  Thanks Fergie, you reminded me why I dislike him.

Back to Ne-Yo who is performing “Miss Independent.”  The crowd noise squeals in all the appropriate places.

Commercial Thoughts: I see light at the end of the tunnel!

Back to a newly deserted Times Square.  Seacrest thanks everyone and brings in the crew.  He signs off from New York.  There’s another show in Hollywood, but I’ve certainly had my fill.   I hereby wave the white flag.  No mas!

Thoughts: It may be an American tradition, but it’s probably the most insipid thing I’ve watched all year.  The Hollywood segments are a total buzzkill.  Less is more in this case, and I’m glad it’s only once a year.  Happy New Year to all!