When you live in one place for 20 years, the things tend to build up. I go through everything every year, but not as thoroughly as I should. The Nagles are pack rats, which drives my mom up the wall. She scored a minor victory last year when she convinced me to clean out my magazines, but my room still has a lot of miscellaneous items from various points of my life.
I very rarely ask myself why I own something. Everything in this room has its place. If the Smithsonian decides to make an exhibit about my life, it’s all here. The posters, the signed photo of Britney Spears and my Stimpy doll will all be given prime positions. There is a great story behind everything. Stimpy was with me when I had surgery. Britney signed the photo because I happened to be sitting in the handicapped section of her concert. Pop culture scientists will endlessly wonder why I decided to hang a picture of Dokken next to Kurt Cobain.
If someone asks me why I own something, I can almost always come up with a semi-coherent response. For example:
“John, why do you have three copies of Leather Boyz With Electric Toyz?”
“Because Steve ‘Sex’ Summers is a musical visionary.”
Once in a while though, I come across something that I can’t make an excuse for. I am stunned. Ladies and gentlemen, I own the movie novelization of The Cable Guy.
In case you aren’t familiar with the film, The Cable Guy stars Jim Carrey as a psychotic cable technician who tries to steal the identity of one of his customers, or something. I’ve seen bits and pieces of the movie on television, but I don’t think I’ve ever watched it all the way through. So why would I buy the novel? Maybe it was my lifelong admiration of Matthew Broderick. Perhaps I wanted to get into the psyche of the Cable Guy character. Perhaps Carrey’s Cable Guy was Colonel Kurtz with a lisp, and the novel told his compelling backstory.
After taking a quick glance, it’s nothing but the script in book form. So if you haven’t seen the movie, the book paints an unimaginative picture. Forgotten catchphrase alert: CABLE GUY! The Cable Guy says that five times. It’s supposed to be funny.
The most hilarious thing about this is that I have always been a champion of great literature. My bookcase has books by Fitzgerald, Hemmingway, Williams, Stevenson and Shakespeare. These novels currently share space with a mediocre adaptation. I don’t know if I should be proud or ashamed. At least its not the novelization of Kazzam!